I’ve caught a cold; this is never good for productivity, but I’ve been feeling a bit… well. Negative.
Both K and I have been hoping to move to the states; specifically at the moment we’ve been looking at Port Townsend. The problem with this is that essentially doing this requires taking a leap of a massive amount of faith. A leap of faith where we go ‘here we go’ and throw all the money at it, and pray that we’re right.
And that scares the shit out of me.
I really miss that feeling of anything being possible, of being able to achieve anything, of absolute faith in myself that I had as a kid.
I used to build things.
I used to design and layout boards.
I used to programme.
I made films.
I wrote books.
I did stuff.
Then, for reasons I don’t really like to go into; I lost a lot of my faith in myself. And I’ve never really got that back; although I sometimes recite my little “I can do anything” mantra. If anyone ever asks why I love Acorn Computers so much, they got me through my childhood, and then when I was pretty much at my lowest level of respect for myself in my early 20s I managed to repair one having been convinced by someone that I’d not be able to do it. It marked the start of clambering back out of a giant hole I didn’t even know I’d fallen into.
And at this point I’m scared that I’ve not got enough faith and strength to do what I’ve said I’ll do for years. Because I’m scared. I’m scared that will get to the US and I won’t have my nursing to fall back on. I’m scared that we’ll get to the US and our business will fail and the money my dad left me when he died will be gone. I’m scared of it all right now.
I’m scared because neither of us is good at sitting down and doing the damn work. Which is funny, because K is always great at planning. Me? I suck at that. A lot of first principles, and make it shiny, then fuck-knows after that.
Anyhow. I don’t think this really amounts to a hill of anything, just me rambling into a void. What it really amounts to is we both need to get off our asses.