Phobia

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I am by no means what you would call a femme. I don’t grow my nails – an I clip them short (although I do *have* nail files and have used them on occasion). I rarely wear skirts (I do though, if I’m in the mood). And I own no perfume. None. If I want to smell nice when I go out I have a shower ;-)

I think actually, that’s just ‘cos I don’t do that kind of going out. Not for not wanting to, but for not being able to afford it.

Anyhow, the two ways in which I do go for femme is – shaving my legs. I shave my legs. I’m pretty lazy about it, largely going to no effort at all and shaving them only if I’m going to wear a skirt, or go swimming. But I do *like* having shaven legs.

And I also pluck my eyebrows. It’s taken me a while to get over my phobia of hair removal by plucking (it hurts! not much, but I’m not one for inflicting pain on myself) – and for a long time would only get *others* to do it. But recently I’ve managed to inflict basic maintainance plucking on myself. I like the shape :-)

Unfortunately, they’ve got out of hand again and I can’t quite get to the stage of ‘yeah, I’ll re-shape ’em again’. So. Poot. I’ll have to go get that done. Perhaps saturday. Saturday being the intended start of ‘after I’ve finished all my essays’.

I say that, because I should be working on the second 2000 word essay right now. I got up with every intention of doing so, but I have this other phobia. Failing. For one who scored 15% in one exam (I think it was 15 – it may have been 5) at university the first time round (I think I’ve mentioned before though, some chemists were beaten by us biochemists – so I may have done badly, but others did worse!) this may seem somewhat odd. But I do. Or more accurately I have a phobia of trying and failing.

It’s taken me quite a while to accept that not everything I do will come out as well as I’d like it to. It took me long enough to accept that I’m not perfect (close though I am ;-) ). So having tried (granted not that hard) and failed (twice) I am finding these essays hard to tackle. The NP5 one, that wasn’t too hard to tackle – just because it was made clear by the person I spoke to at it wasn’t a bad essay. Just the wrong essay. The other assignment, that I still feel is a pass-essay, but it failed. It’s not good though, it’s clear that I was ‘a bit of a state’ when I wrote it. But I am still – in some ways – a bit of a state. I find it hard to concentrate. As we approach one year from my dad’s death I do find myself thinking about it more and more.

And I still feel tearful. I miss my dad an awful lot – there’s so much I’d’ve shared with him. But, that’s not the way my cookie crumbled. So anyway. I need to write this essay -  but getting into that headspace is harder than I’d like. i just need to concentrate for a few hours. I’ve got sme nice reference, I think, sat here. I do think this is a lousy mdoule and that it’s not well designed – the module handbook is about as useful as a 3 year old dead haddock, and the whole teaching of the module left me completely unsure as to where it was going and how it was meant to fit into the rest of my course.

So, yeah. Anyway. I actually picked up the laptop to start writing it, so I guess I should. I’ve got the Subliminal CD on the HiFi and a 500Mhz processor in my (getting rather hot) hands – I think we can safely say it’s time to write an essay.

KateWE

Kate's a human mostly built out of spite and overcoming transphobia-racism-and-other-bullshit. Although increasingly right-wing bigots would say otherwise. So she's either a human or a lizard in disguise sent to destroy all of humanity. Either way, it's all good.