Next you’ll be expecting Chocolate I suppose?
At any rate; I’m not really feeling a whole bundle better than my last post. Being around Trey is like… well, it hurts, let’s put it that way.
Even just in the same room as her is hard. It makes me want to go and lurk somewhere other; so hell, here I am, wasting time on the Computer – same old same old.
I’m actually going to try not to whine too much; you probably all know how it feels to be dumped, and if you don’t, it’s completely fucking shit, and that’s all there is too it. Especially when you don’t have a why, or a source of things to blame. It makes you start picking at yourself.
I’m sure there’s a veritable legion of people who can tell you exactly why I’ve not managed a real long term relationship since Jasmine. By which I mean a relationship of more than a real year’s duration. But I’ve got no idea why, or what it is I do , or really, anything like that.
I did believe though, I thought Trey’d be the one I got old with; or at least older. I always knew she’d be a freespirity person, but hey.
See, I’m whining again.
I don’t know what she’s thinking; as much as she kept stuff to herself when we were together; she keeps it to herself now we’re apart.
Gah.
Other topic.
Yes, so, complete tangent. It’s funny, with me, perhaps I’m rootless. I love the UK, I love it for it’s culture, for it’s architecture, for it’s scenery, for the fact it actally teaches it’s kids that it was a shitty, evil country; or at least, my history teacher taught us that. That there’s much to be proud of, and much to be ashamed of in the UKs past (and it seems now, present too).
Hrm, that was more of a tangent than I meant.
Anyway, perhaps it’s my rootlessness, or perhaps it’s growing up in a place so painfully sanitised and anaemic as Hemel that’s left me feeling both at home and out of place everywhere I’ve ever been.
Coming to America Alaska, well, it’s reminded me of something. It’s interesting. Before I came here I couldn’t envisage myself living in America; not at all; my prejudice was laid aside only far enough for me to, well, be able to come here, and to be able to not scream at the people here about the injustice of and perpetrated by America.
But having come here?
Alaska is truly beautiful; it wouldn’t be hard – in many ways – for me to live here (I mean, it’d be hard in the sense that all my clothes are hopeless (although I got some new ones (Damn Hot Topic for not having the Gir teeshirt in a sensible size)) and that my car’d need substantial modification to even be suitable to *drive* here… I suspect I’d actually have to give in and have something else as well) – and I actually, before I split up with Trey, in the long conversation we had on Friday [I think] morning – about where we were, and where we were going… I started to consider the posibility.
It’s something I often do when I’m somewhere I find attractive; where I’d like to stay; ponder whether I could actually live there, start considering the practicalities of it all. I don’t know why. I’m a kind of practical person, hence my “I’m going to damn well not fall apart ’til I get home, ‘cos I’m going to enjoy Alaska if it Kills Me” attitude.
And slowly, I find myself aclimatising to here. It’s not so cold out when I go out, the money (it’s still damn stupid, the whole 5 being bigger than the 10 thing) is beginning to work enough in my brain that the slowness with paying for things is due to the 5 pences which seem to have found their way into my change (no, I have no idea why or where they came from, I emptied it before I came here).
Anyway, it’s weird to find myself feeling at home, albeit distant from my home friends, in a foreign land I previously hated…
And that’s enough distraction and computer usage for me :-/
