1) Break up with your significant other. His collection of “vintage” computer hardware isn’t going to make the cut in the Great Culling of Things. Don’t let the knotted power cords hit you on the ass on the way out, Mark. No seriously, it’s going to be difficult to get through the tiny door carrying all that stuff without tripping. Be careful.
2) Suspend your cat from the ceiling—position the litter box directly below him (litter box = potted plant—everything must have a double purpose!) He’ll have a blast watching birds out of that darling porthole skylight, and you don’t have to worry about him being underfoot. Beware though—when he starts swinging back and forth to attempt escape, he essentially becomes an angry razorblade-wielding mobile. Throw a towel over him until he calms down.
3) Combine your shower and toilet. Hear me out! Showers and toilets basically serve the same purpose—they discretely carry filth away from your terrible, shameful body (to where I don’t know—I assume it all gets fired into the sun via a rocket??) I can’t believe we haven’t thought of this sooner!
4) Lose 40 lbs. Hey, you’ve been wanting to drop a few pounds anyway. When you’re washing the dishes in the kitchen, your ass is playing peekaboo in the bedroom. You’re going to want to get yourself down to a “one room body”—a waifish figure is key to tiny house happiness. Have you ever seen a tiny house article in Dwell featuring a plump owner? No. And this is going to be easier than you think—your kitchen is four square feet so you won’t be doing a lot of cooking and can only store a day’s worth of food at a time. Plus, the moment you move into your tiny house you’ll suddenly develop an overwhelming desire to eat nothing but locally sourced, ethically raised kale and quinoa. The extra pounds will melt off.
5) Train yourself to sleep upright in a wardrobe, like a vampire. I know what you’re thinking—but then why did I build that sweet ladder bed? The ladder bed looks *amazing* in your Dwell mag spread, but what they don’t talk about is the sustained brain damage you’ll acquire from falling out of that thing fortnightly. Instead, store your childhood stuffed animal collection that you couldn’t part with up in the bunk (Mark had some choice parting words regarding this). Your furry friends will watch over and comfort you as you #followyourbliss in your Pinterest shed.
