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in Elder Scrolls Online, you can steal things. And sometimes, you will get caught stealing. Usually, when this happens, NPCs will just be like “ugh smh” and you’ll get a small bounty, which will eventually wear off.

But sometimes. Sometimes. NPCs will flip out and try to murder you for stealing. They will try to punch you until you die.

When this happens, you have a number of options:

  1. Kill them. This is not ideal, however, because killing them will count as murder, even if it was in self-defense. Additionally, even if there’s no one else around, killing them will still get you the murder bounty; it appears that they can be witnesses to their own murder.
  2. Let them kill you. This is also not ideal, for obvious reasons, as your gear will get damaged and you’ll have to spend gold to repair it.
  3. Try to run. This is risky, however, because if you’re in a town, the guards might catch you. If the guards catch you, they will take all of your stolen loot, which is terrible. It’s better to be killed than let the guards take your stolen loot.
  4. Try to evade them and block their attacks until they get tired of trying to kill you and leave you alone. This generally works out pretty well; just run in circles and block their punches, and make sure to keep an eye on your stamina and health, and you should be fine.

Obviously, option number four is my preferred method of dealing with these situations. It’s far less risky than running, won’t get you a horrifyingly huge bounty like killing them would, and you don’t die. 

So, just a little while ago, I got caught stealing something, and this dude flipped out and started punching me. So of course I tried to wait it out until he gave up by running in circles and blocking his attacks.


did you know

when you block someone’s attacks in ESO, a small amount of damage is returned to them.

And, of course, I was keeping an eye on my own health bar and stamina bar. I was not paying attention to his health bar.

And he died.

He punched me so much that he died.

He’s dead. He’s lying in a pool of blood because he would not stop punching me and he literally fucking died from punching me so much. He fucking punched himself to death and now he’s fucking dead he literally punched me and then dropped dead.

And guess what

this still counts as murder.

I have been charged with murder because a dude attacked me and then punched me so much that he died.

#this is worse than the fucking nun incident

what was the nun incident

Okay so

I was just casually walking through town, and I saw another player running along, and their health bar was really low.

So, naturally, I healed them, nbd.

And then the words YOU ARE NOW NOTORIOUS AND WILL BE KILLED ON SIGHT BY THE LAW flashed across my screen

because it turns out that that player was running from the guards, and also, that casting healing spells on wanted criminals is punishable by death.

So of course I ran for it. The guards pursued, but I had a head start, and most of them were still chasing the player who I’d just healed. 

I ran for the outlaw’s refuge. It wasn’t far; it was soon within sight, and the guards still chased me, firing arrows and spells, but escape was within my reach. I could see the entrance, right there. It was so close.

And then.

And then this fucking nun just appears out of nowhere and charges right into my field of view, punches my in the face, and I die.

And that’s the nun incident.