Filed under “Probably Benign But That Isn’t To Say It Couldn’t Kill Us All Horribly In Our Sleep Someday.” Transcript of post-it notes, memos, and one memorable in-office
discussion provided by Intern Brittany, who does not get paid for this,
by the way, and yes, I know the economy has more or less collapsed to a
barter system but an IOU would be nice from time to time, maybe?Sid, explain this!
Right, so it’s just this set of arches
hanging out in the middle of the field. And according to this old-timer
who lives nearby, this was built by a bricklayer who’s wife died, and he
built a portal to the next world to try to see her again. Except his
wife–the old-timer’s, not the bricklayer–said that the bricklayer
never married and hated people and was trying to build a portal to get
away from seeing anybody ever again. Anyway, the point is it didn’t
really work very well. – SidAbout the ducks….
I mean, you can walk right through it. It doesn’t go anywhere. Nothing happens unless you’re a duck. – Sid
You walked through it?
I was bored and it was hot. Also, not a duck. – Sid
With the understanding that I already regret asking, what about the ducks?
Ducks vanish. But then they come back, sort of. – Sid
Sort of, you say.
Well, they don’t have organs. – Sid
So the ducks come back dead?
No,
that’s the alarming thing. The ducks eventually show up again and
they’re just sort of solid all the way through. They act normal. I mean,
insomuch as ducks act like anything. Ducks are just kinda ducks. But
they don’t speak in tongues or anything. Marla is totally weirded out. –
SidI assume you dissected a duck to find this out.
Sort of. – Sid.
Oh Jesus.
We
were standing there looking at it and a bunch of ducks suddenly came
out of the opening and Marla panicked and hit one with a tennis racket. –
SidThis is not proper scientific protocol.
It was what we had. – Sid
In
the interests of not having my blood pressure rise any further, we will
assume that you had a perfectly good reason for carrying a tennis
racket, which you do not need to explain. Ever. So she hit the duck with
a tennis racket.Right, and then we had this dead duck and
the guy we had been talking to was all “Are you gonna eat that?” and
Marla was all “Don’t eat things that appear out of thin air.” – SidSound advice. Yes. Good for Marla.
So anyway we looked at the duck, and it was not from around here if you know what I mean. – Sid
How so?
Well, it had extra wiggly bits under the wings. – Sid
Wiggly bits. Of course it did.
But it was mostly a duck. Anyway, you know how Marla is about things with wiggly bits, so she ran over it with the truck. – Sid
Marla never liked the wiggly ones.
And
that’s when we found out that the whole duck was basically made of…I
dunno, Spam or something. Undifferentiated pink stuff. I wanted to put
some in a jar to bring home, but Marla was all “burn it with fire, we
have to burn it all” and you know how she gets. Also, she had the keys
to the truck. – SidGood woman. Yes.
report filed June, 15 PD also by Brittany.
Day: June 12, 2016
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The fact that Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian Mckellen are best friends in real life makes me so happy
HOW ARE THEY REAL
#squadgoals
Never stops making me smile. I want someone like this in my life. ????
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Muhammad Ali arrested for refusal of conscription
US (1967)
[Source]RIP.
He was arrested, but that’s the wrong photo. That’s 1972, in Ireland (note the non-US police uniforms and “garda” on the police car), and was staged for fun – he was basically screwing around with the Irish cops. Here’s a real photo.
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I want to see them do an episode of The Price is Right with ultra rich people I want to see Mitt Romney try to tell me what he thinks the price of dish soap is
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Marvel: We’ve made a great plot twist!
Fans: You fucked up a perfectly good character is what you did. Look at it, it’s got antisemitism.
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ok we had to watch this in chem class
that sexual tension
that spill was not an accident
So does your lab partner get to watch for the whole 15 minutes?
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yesterday my lyft driver had a gps that read off directions in what was obviously some sort of specific customized voice
so i was like ‘hey, why does this sound familiar?’
and he was like ‘oh i downloaded it special. it’s colonel sanders.’
never in my life had a stranger thrown me such a goddamn conversational curveball.
was this an official branded piece of content marketing by kfc? why? why would you go to the trouble of auditioning and hiring a voice actor to impersonate your now-dead founder guiding people onto the i-95, like the world’s least interesting benevolent spirit? colonel sanders was a real dude who is now dead; that is a flipping weird thing for a company to spend money on. is this some misguided corporate attempt to try to revamp his image, like ‘yeah he was a plantation-y southern gentleman and symbolically there’s no way it’s not at least a little racist to glorify him but look…he did just help you get to ikea’
on the other hand, if it’s not affiliated with the company that raises SO MANY MORE questions, like who did this? does colonel sanders have some sort of underground fan community? was there a forum somewhere on the internet where colonel sanders die-hards were all wistfully expressing their longing to have that fried chicken guy’s voice drawling in their ear during long road trips and then finally one lone man stepped forward to fill that gap with a microphone, a dream, and a sub-par fake southern accent
what i said was, ‘…huh’
‘i had t-pain’s voice for a while but it got old really fast,’ said my driver
‘turn right,’ said colonel sanders
‘mm-hmm,’ i said
‘there’s a traffic camera up ahead,’ said colonel sanders. ‘if anyone asks, i was with you last night.’ then he chuckled, in a warm, folksy manner.
i realize this probably sounds like some sort of twisted postmodern tumblr joke, but no, these were the actual pre-recorded words the actual app said.
‘did your gps just jokingly imply colonel sanders committed a murder yesterday and needs an alibi,’ i asked.
‘what?’ said the driver, changing lanes. ‘yeah i guess.’
never in my life had a gps thrown me such a goddamn conversational curveball
like. was it a gps at all, or some sort of experimental new form of fiction, an avant garde crime story delivered in tiny dribbles in and among every hundred navigational tips? but no, if so we are talking some TRUE UNSOLVED MYSTERIES shit, because why the fuck is your dark antihero colonel fucking sanders?
was it a gps at all, or was the deceased wing-and-drumstick magnate now a vengeful ghost and my driver a bold and resourceful ghost-hunter who somehow managed to trap that malignant specter inside the car and bind the colonel’s will to his own and then use that will to get us to the airport via the most efficient available route?
either way, the driver did not divulge his secrets. the colonel droned on. the ride ended. the car drove away and still the truth eluded me, slippery as greased corn.
somebody call a paranormal investigator because we have a lot of shit to work out
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At the American Constitution Society’s convention Thursday, Vice President Biden explained why Donald Trump’s recent racist comments against a federal judge are much more troubling than they appear. Elizabeth Warren also spoke at the even and had some more direct (and furious) words for Trump.
Joe Biden ain’t playin’.
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Medicine should never have been privatized in the first place. The concept of profiting off of human desperation and the need for life-saving medicine is, philosophically, intrinsically, and morally wrong both as a fundamental concept and in practice. The fact that Martin Shkreli was ever able to buy an AIDS drug and increase its price 5000% is indicative of a problem even bigger than a truly evil, despicable, and selfish human being; it is indicative of the problem of the current system of for-profit pharmaceuticals with obviously inadequate price regulation.
