Day: January 8, 2006

No, not the excellent group, instead the words that have poured fourth from my fingers into my assignment. I have no idea how to meet the criteria in a reflective manner. What I’ve written is reflective; but not perhaps in line with the SEEC criteria for the essay. The whole of this module I’ve felt completely lost, and now I feel lost, and I feel lost with the assignment. I really just think I’m going to stop for the day. I know it’s putting more pressure on myself elsewhere, but I’m just getting no-where, and there’s no point writing 1500 words of crap I’ll have to delete later.

Today’s Bunny could have been done just for me.

Falling Sand Game – hosted by Chirag Mehta @ chir.ag

I found this.

I’ve been doing it instead of working. It’s kind of mesmerising. I just fiddle with it and then leave it running for a while, go back and…it’s all changed.

Today is not a good day, perhaps because yesterday had a good finish. I dunno. But I feel like crap. I’m allowed to feel like crap, I understand that. But I don’t *want* to feel like crap. And I do.

I’m sorry this journal’s been so whiney of late. I know it has. I feel like it should be happier. But I can’t. I just feel like I’ve lost myself. I’m looking forward to seeing the councellor next week – which will just be a ‘I need to make an appointment for some more sessions’ thing. I hope the woman I saw before’s still there. But at the moment I’m back feeling like I shouldn’t have bothered to get up. Which is why I need to go see someone and talk about this. Too much crap in one year. Too much. Perhaps other people have better coping mechanisms, but frankly I don’t give a fuck. It’s me we’re talking about here; and I need some support.

It’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because I felt like I’d got so far when I saw her last time; and now I feel like I’m back in the place I was before. Okay, different reasons, and I think I’m justified in not really coping. I did learn a lot the last time round, and I’m a lot more accepting of myself, and of how I’m feeling, and I’m not so scared. But I still just feel like crying the whole time, and I just… I need to be together at the moment. I’m not going to make my work my life. It doesn’t work that way. And I’m not going to do the whole completely reliant on friends and whatever thing, because that sucks.

So. This is me dealing with it: Councelling. Give me a few weeks, okay? Put up with me for that long, and I’ll start doing better. Stressed but better. ‘s a promise. Ish.

Incidentally. People *should* be able to comment now. I’m not sure if it’s working though.