Kates Journal

In 5 months time, assuming that I complete the process of writing things, I will no longer be a student nurse.

I will be a qualified – in the process of registering – nurse. It’s scary. But that, combined with this post has reminded me that I should be pondering my future. Having discovered that the United Kingdom (of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and other Sundry But Important Countries) is going to be my home for the next 2 years – whatever I might think or want – and so I should be planning more enthusiastically for the while I’m here.

Whilst I kind of feel like my life is ‘on hold’ it’s not really; because there’s huge amounts of preparation for a move that will potentially extract me from my support networks, place me in a completely unfamiliar environment and present me with an opportunity to work somewhere entirely different.

And really, my life is only on hold in the ‘relationship’ sense. I’m actively not looking for a relationship. It’s hard; actually; I’m not used to being on my own. I don’t like it. I’m lonely, to be blunt. I miss the companionship (and quite bluntly, the sex) of a relationship with someone you love who loves you. But I don’t want to get myself into a relationship when I really do want to leave this country.

So, ignoring that, there’s 2 years. Two solid years. I suspected, and the post kinda confirms what I thought; that Lauren’ll probably end up moving over to live with Chrissy. So I shall be seeking a house of my own. Which is very weird. Do you feel the weird? I’ve never lived alone. This is the closest to alone I’ve ever lived – I’m starting to get the hang of it a bit. The idea of living on my own doesn’t fill me with fear the way it did. Like someone quitting smoking, I’ve cut down on my living with someone; I went from being in a couple to single living with two people. Then single living with one person. Now I’m single, living with one person who’s away a lot.

The thing I find oddest is ‘not talking’. I talk a lot. I talk to myself a lot – even at work – moreso at work – I think aloud, don’t ask me why, I just do. So the fact I’ve not spoken since 6:30ish? When Nikki left? Oh, I answered the phone… Yeah. That’s weird to me.

And it feels weird too.

Also, because of the shift work / working a random set of the 7 days in the week, I loose track of the actual day. I’m only loosely aware of the Tuesdayness of today. Anyway, I guess this is really a waffly thought to myself. I may plan to move to Canada in 2 years, but I shouldn’t forget that I’ve got to live here for those two years. I need to make firmer plans.

If I have a motorcycle and I replace (or have replaced):

• The Frame
• Much of the engine and gearbox
• The ignition system
• The handlebars
• The brake and clutch levers
• The instruments
• A side panel
• The fuel tank
• The seat
• The numberplate
• Chunks of the wiring
• The rear suspension
• The wheels
• The front springs
• The brake caliper & hose
• The headlamps
• The indicators
• The exhaust
• The front mudguard….

Is she still Claire?

It’s funny, I’m starting to get more of a hang of things I can do at work; and I’m getting things done. I mean, actually getting patients treatment; rather than passively doing the job – I’m chasing people, getting people tests, getting people scans, getting things moved on.

It’s a good feeling. Even when you’ve had to spend an hour on the phone (probably, overall) spread across 5 phonecalls, you’ve chased everyone, you finally get the person the appointment they need to see the person they need to see and you go and tell them – at which point you get:

“Oh. But my wife’s coming in then”.

Not quite what I wanted to hear…

Still. It’s good. I had 5 patients yesterday? Did I say in my long rant about how crap the universe is? Yes? okay. Well, like I said, I did, and that was good. Today I just had the 3, which was piddlingly easy in comparison. Although I’m still wary about discharges. More practice; then hopefully they won’t be so scary.

This machine is all (for a limited, it’s got the stuff on so I can use it for work / relaxation, but not most of the software I use in my spare time) installed now; which is something to be very greatful for. However, it’s cost me a lot – not financially, but time and energy. And my exhaustion is as great as ever. I don’t feel up to working at all today – so I’ll be doing that tomorrow; and my mood doesn’t really fit with the day.

Things have gone quite well today, but I think the constant tiredness is getting me down – and I like the days when I essentially work ‘with supervision’ more than the days when; like today; I am working with someone. I always feel much more like I’m learning more. Anyway. Enough whining.

I am exhausted. But this time I think it’s reasonable. Even more reasonable.Let’s start with Monday. Monday was okay. I was more assertive, I had my own patients… but I did something which was potentially silly that I have no desire to go into here at least. It left me feeling a bit crap, really. Anyway, I got home – tired as I was having stayed up too late the night before – and then; well; yeah, I got home.

I got home and I flew through the house, grabbed shopping bags, managed to get my shopping in for a far more reasonable 20 quid, got petrol in the car (organisation, see) and was all ready when I got home – being as for once I wasn’t exhausted – to write the damn 2000 word essay.

It wasn’t going to be that way.

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So, I’ve got used to taking my own patients. I normally have 3-4 of the 6 (I’d take 6, but then the nurse I’m working with would have nothing at all to do). So, today, my mentor sent me off to take the handover for my three patients.

And she came down and I gave her a quick’n'dirty handover expecting to get on with my patients. I was going to ask her advice about one of them – I thought he might need fluids / fluid chart / reviewing. Another patient needed a relative talking to, but I didn’t really worry about telling her that; it was all in my head ready for me to ‘leap’ into action.

But then she started doing stuff. In fact, I did fuck-all-of-value all shift. And I felt like a third bloody thumb. Tomorrow I will be more assertive. I will have my usual quota of patients. But she complained at me for not handing over information regarding the relative who needed speaking to, but… I was going to do it. The whole thing left me feeling useless and frustrated because I didn’t know what she’d done and what needed doing, and so on.

Then I got back to my car – I’d had some difficulties with the seatbelt on the way to work, but I’d managed to get it to work. It now won’t work. Or it will just extend to the length of me-coat-jumper. So tomorrow I get to freeze to death on the way to work; assuming that the seatbelt deigns to extend that far. And the same on Monday. After which instead of getting to come home and write my essay I get to go to Charles Ware’s Mog Centre and complain about the quality of yet another modern part (I’d list the modern parts that’ve failed, but the answer is every single item that’s been replaced has failed several of them more than once; the exception (touch wood) is the waterpump).